natalie portman is my hero

natalie portman is the sexiest coolest chick on the planet.

that is all.

pornstars and myspace

i have this thing... and im pretty sure any dude who has ever set up a myspace has this thing too.

i add hot chicks. i do this cuz in some weird way, it makes me think we know each other. and if we know each other i could talk to you a few times in passing and become friends with you. and if we are friends... that means we couulllddd maybe make out. and if we make out... im only a few short steps from getting you drunk and convincing you bumping our proverbial "nasties" really isnt that bad of an idea...

so... that being said. i give you my varying degrees of pornstar myspace lurkage.

1. tori black

 

i just found tori today... she is one of my new favorites. apparently she is the youngest girl to ever be on the cover of penthouse ('atta girl!). point being... i thought she was hot, so what did i do? i found her on myspace. she has yet to accept me into her close personal group of friends (stalkers) yet... but i have faith. i mean, if she could do (haha) this much by such a young age, it makes me feel like i could take on (haha) any challenge.

2. jana jordan

ok, i have loved jana forever. she is cute as fuck, blonde as shit, and has a super cute tattoo of a bunny on her shoulder. i like girly girls. but even better, i like girly girls who get naked with other girly girls and do really manly things to each other.... but im getting off my point. the thing is, i kinda almost feel like i know this chick. we have spent alot of intimate time together. sooo i have sent her a couple messages. mainly just about how hot she is... or something equally as cliche and built to fail. but like cool hand luke, i keep bounding back up... "heY qT gURl" in hand... ready to get knocked back into the (also) proverbial tool box from which i came.

3. ashi orion

that brings me to my last example. see... i dont quiteee know ashli orion personally. but i'd like to pretend that i do. she is the sister of my friends ex-gf. so like any man, upon hearing such mind blowingly awesome news as "uhh yeah, my ex's sister is a pornstar"... i found her on myspace. so this girl is the anomaly... she has actually responded to me on more than one occasion. acting just like any skateboarder with no real-world-social-skills would... i flooded her inbox with... "yeah, hey, we should hangout"s. no responses anymore.

basically what it all boils down to is... you can get laid by any pornstar you want... just gotta pick... lefty or righty.

Party gnomes

so, my night started like any other night. i went to my local watering hole and continued where i left off with "esmerelda, the busty enchantress off sleepy hallow"... when all of a sudden my book sprang to life!

the evil gnome of gilgamesh was there trying to steal the local party goers... the only way to rid the bar of this evil little man was through the combined power of SHAKA and TITS!!!

penelope cruz y "taco nacho's"

k... im eating jack in the box's new creation "taco nacho's" for dinner tonight.

they are 1.99 and seriously the gnarliest / most sexual thing i have ever eaten in my life. they are just two normal jb tacos, cut in half, and doused with nacho cheese and the occasional jalapeno. 

you may be asking yourself what this has do to with penelope cruz, well... i was just thinking how greasy and soggy and meaty and gnarly these "nacho's" were... then i realized that those were pretty much the exact same feelings my penis had the first time i saw the photos of penelope making out with her sister monica cruz...

so there you go, the unlikely connection between insestual lesbian sisters and my 1.99 dinner.

time for some new headshots...?

today im trying to convince my buddy to shoot my ugly face for free... cuz i figure... shit, if im gonna be in LA why not try to at least make a little bit of money doing nothing.

 right... right!? 

get ready to chew for a while

California-burritos is my new blog (toshrza)

im going to say and post whatever i feel like on this thing... starting... tomorrow.

cuz im lazy and sore right now... but, dont fret! im going to cover everything from:

1. people i know

2. people i dont know (celebs)

3. things i make

4. things i find

5. porn

6. the aching between my throat and ear right now

7. chicks i think are hot

to:

A. real california burritos

B. things that make me mad

C. things that make me rad (glad)

d. general haberdashery

so.. have fun and check back... and get some meat stuck in your teeth.

-tosh 

oh.. and ill just leave you with this little tidbit...

this is that one chick from the city that that one dude cheats on all the time...

i like her...

she never wants to believe that her guy would cheat on her... no matter what...

i like that in a woman...